Training With Tim

So, I’ve decided to bike from Denver to Milwaukee, from July 28th to whenever I get back.

I’m calling it the Tour de Fucked.

I don’t like that it sounds a bit melodramatic and all oh-woe-is-me. But it’s too good of a play on Tour de France to pass up. You can call it the Tour de Jobless if you prefer. That’s probably what I’ll tell my mom.

I’ve put together a Tour de Fucked FAQ to answer all the questions you probably have.

Why are you doing this?

I just got laid off and have some time — and a severance package — on my hands. I wanted to ride RAGBRAI again, but my good friend Jordan is getting married and his bachelor party is in Denver at that time. I’ll probably take the train out there and bike back to Milwaukee. It’s a lot cheaper than the alternative, especially with $4 a gallon gas.

Why don’t you bike out there too?

Because I have to look for a new job sometime. And I’m doing my first triathlon on July 20 with my trainee, Laura.

Who bikes from Denver to Milwaukee? Why don’t you just bike across the country?

I guess Denver-to-Milwaukee lacks the cachet of coast-to-coast. But that’s just showing off. This trip is all about getting from Point A to Point B. I want to promote biking as viable transportation. I biked to my job every day, but now I don’t have a job. So I’ll bid my friends goodbye after the party, bike for 1,000-some miles, and show up at my front doorstep and kiss my wife hello.

Are you raising money for a cause?

I’d like to. Specifically, a group that promotes biking as transportation. Suggestions?

Update: I’m raising money for the Wisconsin Humane Society. Puppies are much cuter than bikes.

What are you riding?

Who’s going with you?

Hopefully, a few others. My friend Kyle attends the American Film Institute and could probably film the ride. He partially “saved my life” when I fell off a mountain in Montana, so it will be handy to have him around in case I run into trouble again. My friend Jeff may be in when he returns from studying abroad in Italy. Both rode RAGBRAI with me last year. I’ve also emailed complete strangers looking for cross-country riding partners in Adventure Cyclist.

Kyle, Tim and Jeff at Ragbrai

Will there be custom jerseys?

No. Haven’t you ever heard of reduce, reuse, teecycle? (That’s right, TEEcycle.) I’ll probably just turn my MKE shirt inside out and scrawl “Tour de Fucked” on it. It’s all I can afford.

Are you accepting sponsorships?

Of course. The new Miller-Coors would be logical, given the starting and ending points. Of course, Miller laid off my father in law years ago, so they’re on my shit list, too. And I’m not sure they’d get behind something called the Tour de Fucked. But my bike could use a few upgrades before the trip, *hint hint*.

Update: REI is giving me a bike tune-up, possibly more stuff on the way…

What will you do when you get back?

Freelance writing assignments. Sell used t-shirts. Give running tours of Milwaukee. Have my wife support me. Did I mention sell used t-shirts?

Anything else to add?

My soon-to-be-equally-unemployed co-worker Lille said it best: “It’s such a cliche to get laid off in the Bush economy.”